~ Under His wing ~
by
Donna Keevers Driver
I found a new place to hide today
from the ache that stirs within
right here, at Father's side
beneath His tender wing
He held me close and oh so tenderly
I couldn't help but cry
He kissed my brow and let me weep
until the last tear dried
He said not a word as I bled my heart
rather, His comfort came in His silent touch
and when I could hear beyond the pain
He assured me He loved me so much
He didn't point out where I went wrong
He did not hold my sins to my face
rather He held me in His loving arms
and wrapped me in His grace
I wept again as I confessed my sins
and told Him of my woes
He dried my tears and kissed my brow
and gave me hope for my tomorrows
†
In 1991, I'd had enough of this world. I was tired of living in a world without love. I longed to suicide. However, I had a 7 year old daughter to care for and there was no way I was taking her with me (on the road to suicide) and neither did I trust anyone else to love her as I did, so my last chance for survival in this world was God.
In my pain I cried out to Him, and in His mercy and grace He came and met me in the gutter that was my life. He did not immediately swoop down and get me out of such a place, rather, the image in my heart is of Him coming and kneeling in that gutter with me, where He wrapped His arms about me and let me shed my pain and tears, where He captured them with His heart.
My testimony is longer than this, but as I have written it elsewhere, I do not feel the need to share it again... but I would like to add that prior to crying out to God, I made a vow that when I was 40, and my daughter was 21 and old enough to take care of herself, I would commit suicide. That was the only 'hope' I possessed; the only 'hope' that got me out of bed of a morning.
God had other plans, of course. And from the moment I called out to Him, He worked on turning my life around and giving me real hope. However, 14 years later (married and with 6 children, now), I found my 40th year to be a very difficult one, where thoughts of suicide plagued me often.
On the first day of the year I was to turn 41 - on the very first day, during the very first worship service I attended - I was given an image of God standing in a doorway. To me, He asked, "Do you want to come Home or do you want to stay...?" I thought about that for a minute and replied, "Truth is, I want to come Home... but for You, I'll stay..." In my heart, I knew He'd called me for a purpose, and I wanted to fulfil that for Him and His Kingdom... And, in the vision, He closed the door -- on suicide!
You see, I made a vow to suicide. I used my will to choose that. God does not remove our will from us when we give our life into His hands. We have to choose to do that daily - to take up our cross DAILY. My will was to suicide in my 40th year, it was up to me to choose otherwise. In the year I had planned to suicide, the enemy came to 'encourage' me to fulfil my vow. That year, in many ways, was very painful for me. At one stage, I broke down in the shower and, for half an hour, wept, "sh*t! sh**! sh**! God! sh**! sh**! sh**! God..." for the entire time. That was all I had left in me by that stage.
Afterwards, when the tears had stopped, God pointed out that, this time, I didn't reach for suicide, I didn't reach for the things of this world that brought me [fleeting] comfort. I reached for Him... despite me having no words left to pray other than that which I echoed above. And He told me that He had allowed me to go through all I'd been through, to get me to this broken place, to show me that my heart wasn't as bad as I thought it was. He encouraged me to be me. To get up and live, and to be me.
And when that vision was given, I had come to a place of knowing that despite my desire to leave this world and to go 'Home', I wanted to do His will on earth. Now, I was free to do so.
So now I write. And I do so because writing and revelation for healing is what He has placed in my hand... I write upon experience, which led me to His truth. He gave me revelation and now I share it. I live for Him... yet, even though that is the core desire of my heart, and of who I am, I still slip back into the world and drink from their cup.From time to time - when I take my eyes off Him and purpose, I slip back, taking my fill of things that are not of God. Basically allowing myself to become intoxicated with worldly lusts and desires, to the point that I take my eyes off why I stayed in this world. Taking my eyes off He who IS the greatest love of my life. I become unfaithful to God and the relationship I have with Him. And yet, despite all my selfishness, as soon as I [earnestly] repent, there He is again, letting me know He never left me, He never gave up on me... and, once again, He covers me with His love, mercy and grace, and rescues me from that which could easily lead to my distruction...
I don't deserve God's love. I have not earned it... But then, God doesn't love us because we deserve it. He loves us because He is who He is. He is God and God is Love.
†
What would I do without our Father
who comforts in times of need
who raises us above our heartache
holding us close 'til the pain leaves
He does not choose moments of vulnerability
to 'put [us] in our place!'
rather He reminds us we are loved
through the tenderness of His embrace
He takes ours sins and casts them away
as far as the east is from the west
and though we are humbled by His love
He offers us His best:
Jesus didn't die to ensure we were punished
He didn't enter this word to steal our hope
rather He came to reunite us with our Father
and eventually take us Home
Often we lose sight of God's beauty
of the intense and intimate love He offers us
but His love is made known oh so clearly
as He draws us back into His trust.
Father, I owe you more than I can say
you've never failed to love me despite my ways
and I thank you with all my heart
for your mercy and your grace
Let me stay here a moment longer
so my spirit may bond more with yours
and let me not forget yet again
that YOU are what I'm living for
†
What would I do without our Father
who comforts in times of need
who raises us above our heartache
holding us close 'til the pain leaves
He does not choose moments of vulnerability
to 'put [us] in our place!'
rather He reminds us we are loved
through the tenderness of His embrace
He takes ours sins and casts them away
as far as the east is from the west
and though we are humbled by His love
He offers us His best:
Jesus didn't die to ensure we were punished
He didn't enter this word to steal our hope
rather He came to reunite us with our Father
and eventually take us Home
Often we lose sight of God's beauty
of the intense and intimate love He offers us
but His love is made known oh so clearly
as He draws us back into His trust.
Father, I owe you more than I can say
you've never failed to love me despite my ways
and I thank you with all my heart
for your mercy and your grace
Let me stay here a moment longer
so my spirit may bond more with yours
and let me not forget yet again
that YOU are what I'm living for
†
1 John 4:9
This is how God showed his love among us:
He sent his one and only Son into the world
that we might live through him
1 John 4:10
This is love:
not that we loved God,
but that he loved us
Psalm 103:11-13
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him
as far as the east is from the west
so far has he removed our transgressions from us
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him
†
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Note: To fear God is to 'revere' Him. Not to be frightened of Him... There is no fear in love.
FEAR: respect tinged with awe: venerateThe child revered her mother. (Dictionary.com)