I know enough now to know that the truth of God sets you free. No matter how much you're struggling, no matter what you're going through, no matter how deep the pain, wound or scar, when God speaks directly to your heart, whatever He says, and no matter what it is He says, you are set free. A weight lifts off you - whether that be hopelessness, depression, guilt, or whatever. When God speaks, you are set free - and you feel it!
So, in this being 'haunted' state, I figured I must've been believing a lie - why else wasn't I being healed...? I tried finding the lie that was keeping my mind in such a state. I closely observed what it was I was telling myself I needed and wondered if that's where I was getting it wrong; that I did not need 'that' and by believing I did I couldn't move on without it... Was I judging someone wrongly? Was I denying my part in the mess facing me? And on and on went the self-examination.
I found a few things in my heart that didn't line up with Scripture, and God's call on my life. I found things I needed to lay down, and pondered things I needed to pick up. I returned to church - and in doing so came to see that I had let go of the Holy Spirit's leading a few churches back, due to the religious leadership - no, due to me fearing man over God. That latter part was a great breakthrough for me... but, still, the 'haunting' went on: A haunting of thoughts that I couldn't shake, emotions I couldn't let go of, anxieties that came to consume me... I ached to be free of all of them...
So... what lie was I holding onto to keep me in this place?!?!?!
This morning, pondering "What lie am I holding on to?" and figuring it had something to do with telling myself "I need 'this'" I again went on to tell myself and God that "I need 'this'!" and, just as I did, that still small voice of God's that whispers to your heart like a cool breeze on a summer's day said, "In deceiving you've been deceived..."
Wow!! There was the answer to why I wasn't free, to why I had come to a place where I felt I was imprisoned in my own mind, and what my part in all this was. It wasn't believing the lie that was the problem. The problem was the consequence of living one.
In deceiving I had been deceived...
It started with me. I did it. I opened the door to the lie/s that came to bind me. God didn't do it. Satan didn't do it. No man/woman/child did it to me. I did it. I deceived and, in doing so, I opened a door through which the enemy could come and deceive me.
The deception in our life could be stealing from the boss, a "harmless" flirtation with that online friend, denying you've been pigging out while your partner tells you how proud they are of you for sticking to your diet, loving someone to their face while bitching about them behind their back, or some trivial or major thing you know in your heart is wrong, but you keep doing any way - you know, that thing you KNOW will hurt 'such and such' if the truth was ever made known...
Seeing this, I quickly opened my heart up to God and asked the Holy Spirit to clean it out!
For those that don't know God - that's not as scary as it sounds. God is love. He is not evil. He does not will for you to suffer. I know my heart is safer in God's hand than in man's and even in my own...
Are you a parent? If not, can you imagine being one for a moment, please:
Can you imagine telling your child, with love in your heart, "Honey, see that...? That's fire. It burns. It will hurt you greatly if you touch it. Please, don't touch it... I don't want to see you get burnt. I don't want you to suffer that pain..." But, in telling them, in giving them the heads up, you do not take their will from them. They still have freedom of choice. They're given the details of what circumstances may end up looking like for them if they go in that direction, and you hope they don't go there... In fact, you ache so badly for their safety you'd like to take their will from them, but love doesn't do that, does it. Love doesn't bind. Love sets free... so, you let them go... God does the same for us. He says, "My dear child, I'm not trying to spoil your fun, but if you touch that, you will get burnt..." then, though He aches to keep us safe, He allows us free will.
Sometimes, in using our free will, we get it wrong. I got it wrong! We choose the wrong path. We walk the path temptation calls us to, rather than follow the knowing and wise direction of our Heavenly Father - just as it was with Adam and Eve. In putting our hand into the fire, as it were, we get burnt. Sometimes we turn away from God, blaming Him, even though we know that, in His love letter to us (the Bible) He gave us the heads up in order to keep us safe. Sometimes we hide from God, believing He'll be angry with us - but Jesus (God's heart in the flesh) has shown us that is not the case. But it's in the times we go back to our Father and say, "Uh, Dad, I blew it... I went where you told me not to go; I put my hand in the fire and now I can't get free of the pain... I'm sorry... Help me..." that He moves heaven and earth to help us, and that with love still in His heart, not with the human/egotistical response, "I told you so!"
Well, in saying to me, "In deceiving you have been deceived," He wasn't saying, "I was punishing you for getting it wrong." Nor was He placing the burden of condemnation on my shoulders. Rather, He spoke the truth pertaining to me, my heart, and my life/walk, that had the power to set me free. And it did.
Suddenly, on this side of truth, on this side of personal revelation, I not only breathe easier, I not only have peace in my mind and heart again, I not only feel closer to my Heavenly Father again, I see that I DO NOT 'need' this or that - that lie has been brought into the light and faded from view. I was chasing "I need" but now I stand still, knowing I can do without it.
Now I see more clearly that I need God's Spirit to help me, to guide me, to counsel, to keep me from wandering out of the Light and into darkness... all the while knowing that, living in this idiotic flesh I am going to wander from time to time, but He will be there to teach, to comfort, to heal, and to see free, when needed.