On writing the introduction for "Starting from scratch" I was very eager to write again. You see, in closing off my heart, my writing suffered, for, in order for the writing to flow, I need to write from my heart, and if I'm not using my heart for good, then the flow stops, and only a small percent of what is good gets through.
So, here I was, after MANY months of closing off my heart, ready to be vulnerable again, eager to write and share, and to walk in love again. But, then reality...
I had two responses from my starting notes in this blog. One was an understanding hand offering friendship, the other a confusing word which led to being told to deal with my temper before I lose another friend - a temper that they "assumed" I had been using while conversing through internet messages.
Now, the ironic thing is, the one who offered the friendship is a friend I've failed to keep in contact with. I love her, and she knows it, but she knows I've been in hiding. The other was from someone I connected with on a daily basis. The former spirit, the one offering understanding, is the reason I fight to find my heart again. The latter spirit/attitude is the one I've grown weary of.
I am so tired of manipulation.
When I wrote the introduction, I wanted to start writing straight away, but I wasn't sure where to start. I reached in for the 'sweetness' in my heart and figured that was the way to go. Then the confusing conversation with what seriously felt like manipulation - where someone learns of where you're at and your new bout of vulnerability, and seeks to use it against you for their benefit - and the sweetness instantly retreated back into hiding.
So... I thought about it for awhile, and not every thought was a pleasant one, I confess, and I concluded, while I know I am called to love, and while I know forgiveness is necessary and while I know all those "good" things in the Bible that I do want to take seriously and walk in, I am still not walking with a healed heart. And this needs to be noted.
In aiming to write here, I had a decision to make: I can either be all sugar and spice and all things nice - as I would love to be - or I can be real. The answer, of course, is, if I am going to remain open and honest and vulnerable, and truly find healing and share that journey with anyone who may need to walk it with me, then I am going to have to be real. Otherwise I'm out of here.
So, with that noted, I must confess that I have a lot of anger in my heart.
God once said to my spirit, via His, "Donna, everyone is allowed to react however they want, but you bring your every emotion to me." I tried that for awhile, then whined, "Go-o-o-o-o-d-d-d-d...! It's NOT working!" to which He replied, "Bring your emotions to me before you accept them as your own."
He also said to me once, "If you are angry, then you are thinking wrong..." Which is true. I was not thinking through a heart of love and goodness, mercy and grace.
And I know these things. And I know I am not to sin in my anger. But I must make it very clear I have been off God's path for a fair while now, and, while there, I've allowed anger to eat at me, despite the truth I know and the revelations I've received.
Today, I have decided to get back on the right path and work on getting right with, and before, God. BUT that does NOT mean I am instantly healed! Nor does it mean I am instantly 'sweet!' And it sure as the Lord lives does not mean I am going to bow to manipulation, no matter how insecure someone may be over me trying to stand and rise and live again.
If you come pointing a finger, leave. If you come seeking to use my vulnerability against me, you're in for a rude shock. If you come thinking I've found perfection, you're sorely mistaken. If you come thinking I've found my heart, I have, BUT please note that I've found it buried beneath a lot of anger and a host of crap and I am on my way back to having it made new... it is not renewed as yet.
As I said in the introduction, I have hit rock bottom and am on my way back up again. I want to rise again, so I will not lay here and be kicked anymore. I want to have my heart renewed so I can love and forgive and be 'nice' again, but I am not there yet! I wish that I were! But I am not.
This is my journey. It's not pretty. I am not perfect. But I will be real, and I will be vulnerable to those who have a heart.