I hadn't intended to go to the movies with my hubby and youngest daughter, and had made that decision a week in advance, as I'm not a Star Trek lover and am known to fall asleep in movies. :) But, at the last minute, I gave in to going and I am so glad I did. I am now a Star Trek fan and Spock is my new hero! lol... But that's another story... ;)
While watching the movie, I suddenly found myself feeling sorry for the bad guy - even more-so as the thought, "It's not his fault; it's the way he was trained," rose up in my heart... And this then had me thinking about today's society, bullies, and so on - which I would love to think about more and chat about another time.
What I wish to share here is the unexpected turn in my heart, which I noticed while watching the movie. Here I was, on this journey, looking for me, looking for my worth, looking for where I fit in, and my true identity and so on, and, all of a sudden, through the eyes and heart of God I discover such things for others - for bullies, even!
I started this journey looking for me, for worth, for my identity and so on, and found less of me and more of God - and that is a grand thing, indeed. I found His heart, not my own.
To those who do not know or really trust God, this is not a matter of me, or us, becoming worth less, so to speak. Not in His eyes and heart. And not even in our own. Rather, this is about taking a journey to find greater love, acceptance, approval, encouragement, confidence, peace, joy, faith, hope, mercy, grace, help and so on, and finding it in ways unexpected.
It's like you're a child, and you long for Christmas or for your Birthday. You want what you want and you don't mind telling those who have the power to get you what you want. However, while you head to the Day where you will receive your gifts, you head towards it with an attitude that says, "Give me! Give me! Give me!" and upon the day you receive what you wanted but it's wrapped differently than you would've imagined, and, upon opening the gifts, you suddenly become aware that this day is not about the gifts, at all, but about the hearts involved. You suddenly see the heart of those who give to you. You suddenly see their love for you. And you suddenly see your love for them, and you set the gifts aside for a moment and you rise up and, with all your heart, you hug the giver of the gifts, loving them with all that you are and receiving their love. You appreciate the gifts you are given, yes, but you appreciate the giver, and the love in which the gifts were given so much more.
Does that make sense? I hope so. I'm not sure how else to explain it. I feel 'He must increase, but I must decrease' (as said by John the Baptist in John 3:30) is what is taking place, and God's causing that to happen in a way that not only feels natural, but pleasant also. At the same time, as I walk with Him, looking to Him for answers to what's on my heart and what ails me, I find that, while I focus less on myself (without trying to), my fears and doubts and insecurities and such things are being removed, by God, from my shoulders - and He's doing it as painlessly as possible. It's as though life remains, problems remain, circumstances remain, but I'm removed, or protected, from it all - even if I have to face them, and Jesus takes my place. I still have to experience life and such, but it's as though He goes ahead of me; He is my protection, my Bodyguard, my heart's guard - and my worry and stress and need to be in control decreases. He, and His presence and power increases, and me and my doubts and fears decrease. I love it! :D
What I become aware of now, more than ever, and what I find far more important than any answer to 'who am I?' may be, is greater faith...and it is so freeing...