During constant wrestling with confidence and courage -- to which I often lose -- I tend to set my writing aside and take ages to get back to it. But then I receive a revelation/spiritual breakthrough/personal truth that I just have to share, and I run back to my keyboard at a clumsy pace, ripping open my chest to reveal the heart that insecurity and fear would have me hide. And this is one of those chest-ripping, clumsy-paced moments that I have to share.
But where to start... (*Breathe, Donna. Breathe.*)
But where to start... (*Breathe, Donna. Breathe.*)
Perhaps it's best to describe where I am at spiritually as an ongoing revelation that is setting me free. It's coming to me in parts, starting with The spirit of degradation.
There's been a theme over my life that I have not been able to escape, which leaves me feeling 'little' and worthless, unacceptable and unwanted. I felt it during my growing years, through my adult years, in relationships, in church and out. It got to the stage where I was saying to God -- just last year, actually (I'm 52 now) -- that, "I feel like ev-er-y-thing in my life is set up to reflect back to me that I'm not good enough. Why??? It's not like I don't already know that."
I mean, I'll confess I'm a bit of an airhead at times, :) with my mind wandering off to well over a dozen different matters within one minute -- which means I tend to forget a lot of things, such as dates, appointments, and so on -- so I may appear not to care, even though I do. And it's true to say I may come across as being anti-social, because, by my 'default' nature, I'm quiet and shy. But in my absentmindedness and quietness, I have no secret agenda that would brand me a bad person. However, I'm often treated, or looked upon, or talked about, as though I do have a secret agenda. And it just ain't the case.
I may walk into a room and not notice you or make great conversation when I do, but that's because I'm entering that room through internal screams of insecurity and wrestling with heart-stopping fear; it's not because I don't like you or wish you harm, as some seem to think I do. And if I pull back from you or your life, it's not that I don't care -- I can still watch and cheer from the sidelines -- I just figure you wouldn't miss me, or I'd be doing you a favour by fading into the background. (I will talk about this more in part 3, I reckon; where I realise more and more why I do these things, and show how God is working on freeing me from such behaviour.)
Also, when I'm sitting quietly, chances are I'm mentally working on a novel, or getting to know characters from a story I'm working on, but I understand my silence can have others thinking that I'm either in a bad mood, thinking negatively about them, or simply being rude. And, I can understand I appear to be somewhat aloof in social gatherings, but, the truth is, I'm mostly terrified. (I grew up with a fear of being ridiculed and rejected.) I am -- or have become -- highly self-aware, which means I am SO aware of ALL my faults and shortcomings, so when others are around all those faults and shortcomings are thrown in my face (by my insecurity), and I feel so ashamed of who I am that I want to runaway and hide before you also realise what a great loser I am. However, I've come to the conclusion that not many care to, or dare to, look beyond my 'sober' mask to find out what's going on inside me, and, rather than check to ensure my heart is working, they take hold of their paranoia, insecurities, and so on, and conclude that I have some sort of agenda that will work to bring them down, even though this is SO NOT the case.
Anyway... having copped the 'wrong end of the stick' from many people over the years (the ones who can't understand why I'm quiet, where I'm at, or can't be bothered to find out whether or not I have a heart and what makes it tick, because of their insecurity and paranoia), I learned to shove my heart way down inside where only a chosen few can find it, and, in the process, I took on a lot of anger.
I think that anger actually helped for awhile. It enabled me to say "stuff this" and "stuff you" to those who went out of their way to talk about me, shut me out, or dump on me in one way or another because of my 'quiet, aloof, absentmindedness that appeared as I don't know what', and I could rise up and walk away from my place as doormat. However, I don't like living an angry life. And it's definitely not how God calls me to live.
Life is fast running out (time goes faster as you get older, I'm sure), and I don't want to end it on a grumpy note, so I took my anger to God, and asked, "WHY!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!" in a not so polite tone. (Thank God He loves me and understands! :) ) ...and, in my impatience :P I waited for an answer... then waited some more... then nagged Him... then waited... and...
Then... last week, someone said something, and the image that caused brought with it the word degradation...
There's been a theme over my life that I have not been able to escape, which leaves me feeling 'little' and worthless, unacceptable and unwanted. I felt it during my growing years, through my adult years, in relationships, in church and out. It got to the stage where I was saying to God -- just last year, actually (I'm 52 now) -- that, "I feel like ev-er-y-thing in my life is set up to reflect back to me that I'm not good enough. Why??? It's not like I don't already know that."
I mean, I'll confess I'm a bit of an airhead at times, :) with my mind wandering off to well over a dozen different matters within one minute -- which means I tend to forget a lot of things, such as dates, appointments, and so on -- so I may appear not to care, even though I do. And it's true to say I may come across as being anti-social, because, by my 'default' nature, I'm quiet and shy. But in my absentmindedness and quietness, I have no secret agenda that would brand me a bad person. However, I'm often treated, or looked upon, or talked about, as though I do have a secret agenda. And it just ain't the case.
I may walk into a room and not notice you or make great conversation when I do, but that's because I'm entering that room through internal screams of insecurity and wrestling with heart-stopping fear; it's not because I don't like you or wish you harm, as some seem to think I do. And if I pull back from you or your life, it's not that I don't care -- I can still watch and cheer from the sidelines -- I just figure you wouldn't miss me, or I'd be doing you a favour by fading into the background. (I will talk about this more in part 3, I reckon; where I realise more and more why I do these things, and show how God is working on freeing me from such behaviour.)
Also, when I'm sitting quietly, chances are I'm mentally working on a novel, or getting to know characters from a story I'm working on, but I understand my silence can have others thinking that I'm either in a bad mood, thinking negatively about them, or simply being rude. And, I can understand I appear to be somewhat aloof in social gatherings, but, the truth is, I'm mostly terrified. (I grew up with a fear of being ridiculed and rejected.) I am -- or have become -- highly self-aware, which means I am SO aware of ALL my faults and shortcomings, so when others are around all those faults and shortcomings are thrown in my face (by my insecurity), and I feel so ashamed of who I am that I want to runaway and hide before you also realise what a great loser I am. However, I've come to the conclusion that not many care to, or dare to, look beyond my 'sober' mask to find out what's going on inside me, and, rather than check to ensure my heart is working, they take hold of their paranoia, insecurities, and so on, and conclude that I have some sort of agenda that will work to bring them down, even though this is SO NOT the case.
Anyway... having copped the 'wrong end of the stick' from many people over the years (the ones who can't understand why I'm quiet, where I'm at, or can't be bothered to find out whether or not I have a heart and what makes it tick, because of their insecurity and paranoia), I learned to shove my heart way down inside where only a chosen few can find it, and, in the process, I took on a lot of anger.
I think that anger actually helped for awhile. It enabled me to say "stuff this" and "stuff you" to those who went out of their way to talk about me, shut me out, or dump on me in one way or another because of my 'quiet, aloof, absentmindedness that appeared as I don't know what', and I could rise up and walk away from my place as doormat. However, I don't like living an angry life. And it's definitely not how God calls me to live.
Life is fast running out (time goes faster as you get older, I'm sure), and I don't want to end it on a grumpy note, so I took my anger to God, and asked, "WHY!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!" in a not so polite tone. (Thank God He loves me and understands! :) ) ...and, in my impatience :P I waited for an answer... then waited some more... then nagged Him... then waited... and...
Then... last week, someone said something, and the image that caused brought with it the word degradation...
DEFINE DEGRADATION: |
... and suddenly I knew that a spirit of degradation had been hovering over me most of my life, stirring up dislike towards me, in the hearts of those it could get to, playing with the insecure and paranoid souls in my life, bringing shame to all of us in one form or another. As soon as I saw this through the Holy Spirit's eyes, it left me -- as such things must leave when God shines His light onto them. And OH! MY! GOSH!!! How freeing was that! :D The truth entered my heart and set me free. I received a newfound confidence and freedom, and I instantly realised that I wasn't as bad or as worthless as I imagined myself to be, and I could easily get up and walk free of other people's paranoia and accusations, knowing I wasn't to blame for it, and having greater understanding and compassion towards them.
Oh, that I could share the entire experience and feelings of joy and freedom revelation brought with you, rather than simply try to explain it with my clumsiness!
The only way I can clearly explain how it felt is this: Imagine you're wearing a thick, heavy coat that covers you from neck to toe, and someone dumps several litres of water on you, making the coat even heavier. It's cold, it's uncomfortable, it's heavy. You don't want to wear it, yet you can't take it off because you feel as though you'll get in trouble if you do, so you wear it all the time. It never dries. It never gets lighter. You never find peace because you're always uncomfortable because of the heavy weight you're carrying. Then you see something in the distance, something that captures your attention and heart, and, for a time, you forget about the weight of the coat and you dare to reach for that which has captured your attention and heart. When you touch it, you realise it is a gift for you, and when you look up into the eyes of the Giver, and He smiles and nods, letting you know it IS yours and you CAN have it, you accept it and, when you do, the coat falls off you and you no longer are weighed down by its heaviness, and you realise that that dead weight wasn't you, nor was it even part of you... Can you imagine how light you would feel then? How free? How... loved? I look back into the eyes of my 'Giver' (God) and I feel loved... and, bonus, I don't have to deal with the coat anymore. He will take care of that. He will clean up the mess. I'm free to walk on. I'm free to live. Thank you, Jesus!
I confess that I did ask God why it took sooooo long for me to find out about this annoying spirit, and why I hadn't been set free of it years ago, but the only thing that came back to me was that God doesn't move against our will. (Curiouser and curiouser! :P ) That made me wonder even more, and, yet, it felt so right. (And you know its of God when, even in our lack of understanding, something just feels soooo right, in a freeing, joyful sort of way. Which this 'explanation' did.)
For some reason I am yet to fully understand, I wasn't ready to walk in the full light of my most recent revelation. I would go on to ask God why I wasn't ready -- and I'm still mulling it over (I have a feeling selfishness is involved here, but more about that in a following blog) -- but, at the same time, I feel so much freer, so much more 'me', and alive and joyful with it, that the 'why' doesn't seem that important. I'm stuck in rejoicing, so the worry of 'why' and 'why not' doesn't disturb me. What a wonderful state of mind to be in! Give me that spirit any day. :)
One thing I really love about this truth/revelation is the new thought pattern taking place in my mind. I'm seeing things differently, and, therefore, having the anger removed from my heart, feeling more at peace with my surroundings and self, finding confidence and holding on to it with a firmer grip, and gaining greater insight and understanding towards things that have baffled me for a very long time.
I've sat here on many occasions, thinking things like, "God, why am I not free of 'this' and 'that', yet?" and so on, fearing that my time on earth was running out and believing that by the time the revelations I need found me, it would be too late to live and enjoy my life. BUT, here I am, with a new revelation in my heart, and while I don't have all the answers to the whys and what-the-hecks, I no longer fear I'm going to have no time left on earth to enjoy my life due to past regrets. Ya know what I mean? I look at the things that keep me back, hold me down, and so on, and I think, "Even when God frees me, I'm not going to have much life to enjoy that new freedom." But, that was another lie. I wish He did set me free years ago, but now, on this side of revelation, I am not mourning over what time I've wasted, or what little time I have left, I'm just happy to be alive NOW.
Now, this side of a 'truth that sets free' through Christ, life is good. God is very good. And I have never felt this good.
Today is a new beginning. Today, I live.
~*~
UPCOMING BLOG: A New Identity ~ Part 2: My Birthright.