What I mean is, I figured, in order to explain to the human mind, or the ego, or whatever you will to call us, we need words and we need words that aptly describe what we're talking about. However, as yet, I have no words to explain what it is I feel I hold inside me re my identity, so I laid there looking for a 'word' that would go with "I am..." and all I found, all that made sense, all that felt right - that I knew was right, is "I am..." and that made perfect sense to me.
"I am." That's it. That's the only way I can explain where God has brought me to through this journey. "I am..."
I am now aware that I don't have to find my worth in I am mum, I am wife, I am writer, I am this, that or the other. I am those things while traveling this earth, so to speak, but one day that will all stop. Some of it may even stop while I still live, but I still 'am'. I still exist. Take all those things from me, be it in this life or after it, and I still exist. I still 'am'. And now it feels that anything I add to "I am..." is nothing more than ego's need to make sense of itself.
Remember, I said ego - the human mind, not vanity.
- A person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance: "a boost to my ego".
- The part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of...
I mean, gee, give me writer's block (which has been happening with my novel since this journey began a few months ago), and I instantly start to feel out of place and lose confidence - and I never had much confidence to start with. But now, in the midst of writer's block - if I don't listen too hard to ego's voice, for it seems ego needs to be doing something at all times to feel worthy and can be a bit of a nag ;) - I don't suffer an identity crisis, I rest in peace, or I find peace in God's rest. It's such a sensational feeling... As much as I love to write and long to complete the novels swirling about in the back of my mind and have them published, I wouldn't trade this peace for it.
In the midst of this peace, or God's rest, as I see it, there is a knowing that God will work all things out for good and I just have to listen and follow His guidance. Outside of said peace, in the midst of the anxiety writer's block has given me in the past, as well as any anxiety that seeks to raise its ugly head, I find I am searching again for my identity; ego is searching for its worth, for something to reflect its worth back to it. It's as though ego needs these things, and needs to find identity, in order to know it exists. But here, in God's rest, in God's heart, in what feels like the core of Him, there is simply a knowing, beyond ego, beyond ego's need to know and the anxiety that comes with such a need, that enables me to see and be "I am". I just know "I exist", and that's enough.
I'll put it this way, hoping I make sense: Ego, or me, wanted and needed to find where it/I fitted in in this world so it/I may feel as though it/I was worth something; worth loving; wasn't a waste of space; had value in the eyes of someone. It's as though I had to run around looking for my reflection in the heart or eyes of another, or in what I did or didn't do, in order to be someone. But now I know I don't need that.
Ego's cry is "Help me," and "who am I" and while that's not a bad thing, for we all have it and need it, and it is part of this life's journey, but, in God, one's heart doesn't cry out while our eyes search for our own reflection. Here, in God, one just knows they exist; one just knows they have worth; one just knows they are complete, no matter what titles, and/or positions we take on in this world.
It's like this: I know I am in God, I know I am complete, I know I am loved, in God, and I no longer have to prove anything - not even to myself. I know I don't have to prove anything to God. I just am. I just have to be. I simply exist and He is fully aware of it and quite happy about it. If I want love, I just have to be still and focus on Him, knowing without doubt He loves me, and that I am in the midst, or centred, in His love. If I need faith, or hope, or joy, or peace, I just have to take my eyes from ego's troubles and my circumstances and know that I am in God, and He is in me, and I just know all will turn out well, no matter what, and in that there is amazing peace.
In a previous blog re Finding Our Identity, I believe I wrote that we look for happiness and joy and love and all we feel our heart needs in order to be complete 'out there somewhere'...but it's not. We must find these things in ourselves, then we can pass them on to others. I believe I mentioned (or had intended to mention) that when we pray, when we are anxious and need God, when we seek God, we look for Him 'somewhere out there', but if we are in Christ, then we are in God, and He is in us. We must find Him within, so He can complete us, so He can fill us to overflowing with love, peace, joy and so on, by drawing these things up out of Himself in us; He draws them up out of us, like a well, bubbling up from the depths of our soul, then they pour forth, like living waters, out onto the earth. We must meet with God in us, rather than wander the earth like lost children, wondering where God went and having non-believers look and shake their heads while saying things like, "Where is there God now...!"
Oh, I just thought: This "I am" place I'm in, it's like being born again. That's what it feels like. A babe is born and takes its first breath. It is. It exists. It may even been aware of its own existence in the womb. And, as yet, ego has not come along to tell it it needs to be like this, or do that, or behave in such a way, in order to fit in and to 'be'. It simply is, already. It simply exists. That's what this feels like, here in God. It's like being born, only this time around, I'm not born into sin or into ego, I am born into God, into His hands and heart, into love...and I am safe here. I am whole here. I am wanted here. I have everything I need here. I am loved. I am His and He is mine... and all I have to do - and that because I desire to,not because it's an order - is meld my heart with His, to be 'in love' with Him, then, when He guides me to, I will take of the love and faith and joy and peace and confidence and courage He gives me, and pass it on to those He desires to reach through my hands. Until then, until He tells me to 'do' or to move, I will be still and know that He is God...and God is love...
New King James Version (NKJV)
1 Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits, whether they are of God; because many false prophets have gone out into the world. 2 By this you know the Spirit of God: Every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is of God, 3 and every spirit that does not confess that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is not of God. And this is the spirit of the Antichrist, which you have heard was coming, and is now already in the world.
4 You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world. 5 They are of the world. Therefore they speak as of the world, and the world hears them. 6 We are of God. He who knows God hears us; he who is not of God does not hear us. By this we know the spirit of truth and the spirit of error.
7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. 8 He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. 9 In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. 10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
12 No one has seen God at any time. If we love one another, God abides in us, and His love has been perfected in us.13 By this we know that we abide in Him, and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. 14 And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent the Son as Savior of the world. 15 Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. 16 And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him.
17 Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. 19 We love Him because He first loved us.
20 If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, how can[c] he love God whom he has not seen? 21 And this commandment we have from Him: that he who loves God must love his brother also.