No; remove my scars! Not my eyebrows...!
(and yes, I am older now... :/ :) )
Years of bottling things up, biting my tongue, denying many wants, needs, dreams and frustrations, and of laying down what God has placed in my hands and heart at the feet of "man", has left me full to overflowing with so much tension that it is bursting out the top of me!
I've known for awhile now that I tend to carry most of my tension in my brow. The constant aching, burning and stinging I carry there (in my forehead AND eyebrow area) informed me of this. And I believe that that is what has caused my eyebrows to fall out. However, I didn't realise until recently just how much stress and anger I carry with me.
Since facing this last scar (I hope! lol) on my heart - which is also the first one I received - the one that left me convinced that my true identity is "Not good enough", I've registered that I have been seeking to escape more and more through what I do because 'reality' was rubbing me the wrong way more than ever and I couldn't take much more tongue biting.
Trust me, sometimes I couldn't take it and I would react, but much of the time I worked to bury me in order to appease man, even if that meant letting go of God.
The tension, the anger, the frustrations, the disappointments, the fears, and so on, have taken their toll on me. And I can't take it anymore. Every time I start feeling stressed lately - and that usually rushed forth with a well of anger that I still try to hold back - the aching in my brow instantly increases: The stinging worsens and headaches quickly kick in, so I have to turn away from whatever is stressing me and calm down... or thump someone. ;) Nah, I don't thump anyone - just more tempted to these days. :)
(NOTE: In case your wondering, my Dr laughed and stated he didn't know why this has happened to my eyebrows, then agreed it was probably due to stress. Also, I do not have high blood pressure, as some may think I might. And the blood test results I received on the same day I received the Dr's chuckle (!!!!) did not reveal anything to cause this.... Anyway....)
Do you remember what it was like to be a child - before the heartbreak and shock that came with it? Do you remember how carefree you once were? How happy and peaceful you were? How free you were in being yourself...? I do. I haven't felt that in over 40 years. Oh, I guess I did for awhile, after surrendering my heart to Jesus, but my fear of man soon returned and there I went again, seeking to alter me in order to please them, no matter what God was leading me to or from.
But, now, I am so tired of being a man-pleaser. So fed up with fearing "man". So over caring if they think me good enough or not. It's as I said to Tim (hubby) yesterday: I am so full to overflowing with anxiety and tension, disappointment, frustration and anger, that I am instantly responding with an overwhelming urge to strike out at someone who rubs me the wrong way these days, so much so that I couldn't give a stuff what anyone thought about me anymore. BUT... while the anger may be working to cast off the fear of man, a heart full of anger is not the heart I want, either.
Ok, so I don't have to live with the fear of man. I don't have to fear rejection or ridicule. I don't have to bow to "man", his (her) arrogance, opinion, agenda or manipulation, or feel less worthy because of another's view of "beauty". I don't have to live with the weight of believing I'm not good enough. I don't have to sacrifice my identity to appease "their" ego. I get that...now...but, at the same time, I really don't want to carry this anger and hatred and tension in my heart. I want to be able to get to a place where I can calmly respond with an attitude that says, "Ok, I hear your point of view, and I accept that I'm not good enough for you because of [___fill in the blanks___] and that's ok; I can still live with, and retain peace in the face of, your response, and I can still love you..." without feeling or burying any negativity.
You know, I've been angry for so long but I kept denying it and burying it, telling myself "that's not how a Christian should behave". I would see someone who was attached to that first scar, or who was related to the one who was there to start this process, and see how free they were in their lives, and how they looked down on me, and I wanted to rip their "puny little hearts" out and make them eat it. I hated them with a passion!! But I would bite my tongue and harden my heart towards them even more, then walk away, saying nothing - but I didn't walk away because I feared them, but because my anger was so strong that I longed to hurt them and I knew, as a Christian, I would have to say sorry for it afterwards, and I did not want to bow to them that way! And I knew I would be sorry...and I didn't want to go there...
This is NOT the heart I want. This is NOT who I am in Christ. This is NOT my true identity. But this is who and what I became by clinging on to the false identity; the false me.
God once placed on my heart that the first child born from my wound was symbolic of the first message I would take to the world. My first child is Amanda. Her name means "Worthy to be loved..." That is the message God wants me to take to the world. I know that. I've known it for many years. And I have tried to. But the scar was still there, and the enemy of my soul poked and prodded it until I was once again convinced I wasn't good enough, until I once again gave up, stopped doing, lost confidence, and so on... But enough's enough. It's time to live. It's time to be free. It's time to be who I am! It's time to take on my new identity - my true identity. And for the first time ever I move 'man' away from standing between me and God, I toss God all of my heart, and boldly state, "I want complete freedom and emotional healing. I want my new and true identity. I want to me free to be me - no man's approval needed!!! And I want to love earnestly with it - NOT HATE!!" and NO MORE ANGER!!! And I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW that is what God wants for me, too.
You know, some of us identify with pain, some with shame, some with anger, some with rejection, and so on...but that's not who we are. That is the result of our wounds, and though our wounds may have been caused so long ago that we feel far removed from them, there's a possibility the scars are still there, and that because we haven't trusted God with that part of our heart; we haven't trusted God to remove those scars.
And we can tell whether or not the scars are still there by the way we react to things - especially if our reactions and/or actions leave us wondering "WHY DO I DO THAT!!!" and hating ourselves, or feeling terribly ashamed, because of it.
Some of us won't let God near the scar because we secretly think we will stop existing if we don't define our character by 'that pain', by 'that shame', by 'that illness', by 'that [__fill in the blanks__]... But already I'm starting to see who I am beyond the scar, and I gotta tell ya, the more God heals me, the more hopeful and joyful I become, and the more I want to really live and really love and be - without fear! without shame! without anxiety! without the need of another's acceptance and or/approval! and with eyebrows...! ;)
What about you...? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life living in the shadow of that memory, that pain, that fear, that sense of abandonment, that anger, that [__fill in the blanks__]...???
2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation;
old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.
Wouldn't you rather spend the rest of your life being Good Enough, rather than Not Good Enough...? I know I want that...and I honestly believe that that is where God is leading me to at the moment; that is what I will embrace when this scar is removed. That, in His eyes - where it matters the most - _ am good enough. I so look forward to my heart grabbing hold of that revelation completely... which it cannot until the scar is completely removed, I feel... And the removal of it has already begun... :)
God is love. We were created in His image. I reckon the image of love is distorted when heartbreak comes, and many of us go on to identify with the wound. We start to identify with pain, insecurity, fear, anger, depression, and so on. But Jesus seeks to restore us in all ways. And in Him true love is made known to us - the true love of our Heavenly Father - and we are then transformed into our new identity...if we allow Him to. I'm finally ready to allow Him to... Are you...???
In the meantime, though, I'm still learning to trust Him with this part of my heart. I'm still learning to trust circumstances, my life, the hearts of my children, and so on, to Him, so I don't have to carry this anxiety. And I am still learning to let go of the anxiety and do life His way - on the firm, never-shifting foundation of LOVE... but it's getting easier and easier to trust Him. :)
AND, in the meantime, I get to draw any mood I want on my brow! lol... "Hmmm... should I go with the angry eyes today?" >:'| ...or the surprised ones, maybe....?? ;)