I've been Googling info about the habits of a writer, their routines and such, with the hope of making sense of my habits and sudden disappearances from the social scene - not for me to understand, but to help others see why I am like this. I guess I was looking for back-up. :)
And through the "Googling", I basically realised that my writing schedule, routine, habits and needs, differ in many ways from other writers, just as theirs differ from another's, also.
Basically, we gotta do what we gotta do in order to free the muse within...
...Because I grew up insecure, anything that I wanted seemed to be wrong to me. This belief became even more distorted when I became a Christian, because closing my front door and making like a hermit in order to write just didn't seem like the Christian thing to do. I really struggled with it.
It was God who had to help me embrace the 'hermit' side of my nature. It was Him who enabled me to be at peace with a closed door, with quiet time, with writing time, with my own company, with my own thoughts, with the typewriter, with my muse - which, in truth, is my own heart - and things such as these. God enabled me to embrace, and to be at peace with, the writer that I am.
Even so, at times, I do feel a little selfish when my muse/writer's heart/the writing bug kicks in and I move to close the door, for, at these times, I do tend to close the world out. Which means I pull away from social occasions and leave my friends wondering, yet again, where I've disappeared to.
But this is who I am...
I don't pull away from anything or anyone, rather I move towards writing, is all.
This morning, while out walking, while recently coming to a place where I have decided I just don't want to live in reach of fear or timidity anymore, I realised that (as I wrote here in If the shoe doesn't fit...) in order to be the writer I want to be, I must simply be at peace with the writer I am. I must be at peace with the habits and routines and so on that my 'muse' needs in order to function well.
In reaching for that peace, I have finally come to terms with what God has placed on my heart over the years: "Your calling is not in the church" and "Write from the heart" and "Your calling will be a lonely one" and other such things. I need to be at peace with these things, also... I have to take the step in moving towards the area I know God and my heart call me to, and not to the place where I, or others, thinks I "should" be - even if that means losing the support of 'friends' in my life...
I gotta be who I was created to be, in order to reach those God wants me to reach for Him, with His love, mercy and grace. I have to be - my heart and its passion insists on it...
You have a gift, a talent, an art or craft that you are passionate about. We all do. These things are gifts from God, which I believe are given for a couple of purposes: To commune in a highly intimate place with Him; to reach deep within to find truth, love, peace and passion; to help make this world a better place through inspiring others. Don't let anyone steal that part of you... and don't steal that from anyone else...
I must write. Passion all but demands me to. There, I feel closer to God. There, I feel more at peace with the world. There, the world makes more sense to me. There, I can find peace and love and pass it on to others. There, I am me... I am free... and I am whole... and therefore more open to God and His love, truth and will for me and my life...