Starting From Scratch
I've walked with God for almost 21 years now, willingly setting my heart before Him, and seeking His will in my life. Through these years I learned to shut my heart down again - not because of anything God did, but because I grew weary of the critical, judgemental, hypocritical voices I came across along the way, and that in church.
Now that's not to say everyone in church is like that. They're not. There are some really beautiful, genuine souls out there. But it's the aforementioned ones that I let get to me, until I couldn't take it anymore.
I grew up a very shy child, scared of everyone and everything, and though I found a little more courage over the years, I still kept myself in a place where I would bite my tongue as long as I could before saying anything - whether the other person was in the wrong or not. Something occurred that had me biting my tongue so hard that I knew I wouldn't be able to 'play nice' with a certain person so I backed away from church. However, by doing so, I allowed my heart to grow even harder, and anger became my closest friend. And, in allowing this, I became the critical, judgemental, hypocrite.
By doing this, I also allowed myself to lose contact with some very beautiful people. And for that I am greatly sorrowful. However, at the time, and because I was hardening more and more at a rapid pace, while biting my tongue and not letting "it" go, I felt it was necessary to let go of the good people in my life, also, so I would not wound them in my anger. And all of the above "enabled" me to become heartless.
However, further down the road, I have suddenly (and surprisingly so) found I miss my heart. I miss the love it once held. I miss the compassion it possessed. I miss me, basically. And now, on realising this, I know it's time to bring my heart out of hiding and let it live, love and breathe again, even if that means confronting those I need to confront, rather than biting my tongue again.
Although, I am not here to share who "they" were, or what "they" did, or confront "them" here and now. Rather, I am putting them aside and moving on. I am here to reach out to the hurting, the lonely, the scared, the insecure, the vulnerable, and any soul who would care to walk this journey with me. I will deal with "them" in person, when and IF needed. Today, I choose to lay my stones aside... for I know I am not without sin. And I know God would not have me ridicule or rebuke anyone before others. I am so not here to bring shame. What I need to focus on more than "them" or what they may or may not have done, is the fact that "I" grew angry and in my anger I sinned... It is "I" I am responsible for. So, it's my journey and heart I wish to set before you.
I will do my best to be here (on my website, in this particular blog/journal) every day. I will be as vulnerable as it is possible. I will set my heart out there once again, with the desire to help the hurting soul, to offer hope, and to share my experiences and the hope and healing God has given me. I would really like you to join me on this journey. I would really like to be vulnerable before you once more.
"Starting from scratch" is exactly what I'm doing... With God's mercy being new every day, and knowing Him and His heart as I do, I know He is fine with me starting again, even though my walk with Him is 21 years old. If you'd care to join me here, I would so love for you to do so. I won't be preaching the gospel; rather, I will be recording thoughts and revelation as they come to me, as I walk this next part of my journey with God. This is my heart's diary.
I'm starting this at what I feel is rock bottom. I was once so close to God; so intimate. And I lost it. I'm seeking to have that renewed. I've gotten as low as I can go, and now I want to walk the path that will help me rise again. What I write will be from my heart; from my experience. I will not be preaching. I will just be saying it as it is, with my only motives being love and hope.
First up, though, I want to apologise to all I've walked away from; to all the hearts I let go; to all the friends I loved and still love: Please forgive me... I am so very sorry.
All my love,