Reposted from my Myspace site... Originally posted in 2010
The Call of the Pit
I should've known that as soon as I put "In the Pit" out there I'd be tested on it! lol! Honestly, when the test came, I was this "-" far from giving myself a huge forehead slap for not expecting it... but, forehead slap or not, the thing is, I wasn't expecting the test, and it hit me straight through the heart - in a place I truly believed was healed.
As it's written in previous blogs, there was a friendship in my life that meant the world to me. Due to circumstances beyond our control, that friendship had to be severed. It was necessary, but painful, nonetheless... We'd both accepted that and, over time, learned to live with it... but...
I sent a brief email to them the other day, letting them know my sister would be visiting their state soon. I didn't expect a reply so when it came the next day it put a huge smile on my face, and like the idiot I am, :) and because there was so much peace in my soul at the time, I went into 'old friendship' mode and shared a few wonderful things that God was doing in my life and heart these days... but... then...
The silence came... I responded within minutes of receiving their email and then the silence... and this after I had just put my heart out there again... I hold nothing against this person for this. Chances are, because they were at work, they had to go, but it gave me a moment to reflect on feelings I believed were dead and buried.
In that silence, in those moments of deep meditation, I found a few raw nerves, and the loss I had once experienced revealed its ugly head again...and it hurt... Oh, Lord, how it hurt... and then, there it was before me: The pit; calling me to jump back in. And God knows I wanted to. I was 'falling' quickly... the pit looked like the best and safest place to be... but then I realised this was the moment I had to step up and live what I believe, what I had written in my last blog. This was the moment I had to grab hold of the lifeline called FAITH and rise above feelings.
So... I closed the door and, with tears, went to bed... :) ...but I went with the decision not to dwell in the pit. I don't want to live there again... It would take some effort to turn from it, I knew - especially because I could be near their memory in that pit - and part of me thought that was better than nothing...but, no, not again... I couldn't go there again. I had to face the test...
This morning the heaviness was still with me, and I had to fight against getting impatient with what- and whoever stood before me in my physical world. I knew the mourning was opening doors for other negative emotions to enter - including bitterness - and I couldn't allow that... Love doesn't allow that, does it... And I love those that stood before me, and I love the one I had already let go, and I love God so much that I yearn to do His will, and I have grown enough to love myself enough not to throw myself back into a pit that would see me depressed or dead before it allowed me to drink in joy...so, I had to climb out... turn my back on the pit and walk away.
It's not easy, is it... But that's not the point. "Easy" is usually NOT the best way on this our journey through life. It's often the hard road that brings the greatest benefits, rewards, gratitude and joy. God knows I want easy. God knows I want to run back to that miserable pit and look under every rock with the hope of finding that friendship again... but Wisdom tells me that is not the way to go.
Today, I put in to practice that which I wrote about in the last blog "In the Pit"... Today, I choose to walk free of the pit. I don't want to live there again... There was no freedom there. No joy. No peace. No real or lasting comfort... And I also know from experience, there IS freedom and joy and peace, and more, beyond the pit... even if my path never again crosses with that of the friend I love so dearly.
...Please note that I am not looking for sympathy. This is life... and I'm living it... I am using the strength I find in following the path God has set before me, and I will rise to live and laugh and love more passionately... I simply write this because I want you to see that the test does come to me every single time I profess something. I want you to witness the lifelines God throws to me before a storm, so you know He does this for you, too... He doesn't leave us, nor forsake us. He makes a way out for us. Love won't allow Him to do anything but that... He will always rescue us...but we have to grab that rope...and climb...
You are not alone, AND there IS hope AND a way out... Just don't lay down and take the misery. You deserve better. God wants 'better' for you... You only have one trip around this planet - enjoy it... Rise up and live...
♥
BBL... gotta go 'rise up and live'... :)
xoxoxoxox