Amanda is my first born.
She is also, and will always be, known as
my first dream come true.
A is for Amanda
Donna Keevers Driver
For as long as I can remember, I longed to be a mum. Even before I had reached my teen years I had decided that all I wanted when I grew up was to have a daughter.
Amanda was born just under three weeks prior to my 19th birthday. But she would be 16 years old before she learned she was not a 'mistake'. How I wish I had told her when she was younger how much she was wanted...
My first boyfriend had denied me my dream of having a child (I was only 16) so he didn't last long, I'm afraid, and the second one was told, after awhile, that I'd run out of the contraceptive pill so, "No baby, no sex."
I had longed for my daughter, prayed for her and ached to have her even before I had turned 13. She was in my heart many years before she was conceived, and no other dream that may have found itself in my heart came close to this one, or outlasted it. Amanda was, is, and will always be known as my first dream come true. I adored her when she was born. I adore her now, 28 years on. She is more than a dream, she is a treasure to behold.
It was during a ladies meeting once, when Amanda was around 20 years of age, when she rose from her seat and crossed the room and my heart felt as though it had literally gotten up to follow after her. I asked God what was all that about, and the response that came back, from His heart to mine, was, "She is your heart." He went on to impress upon my heart that as it was with me and Amanda, in my heart, it was for Him and His children.
God opened my eyes to see that each child we have owns a different part of our heart. No child can take the place of another. It's the same with Him and His children. God - through His Spirit, from His heart to mine, with His still small voice we can all tune our ear to when we offer our contrite hearts to Him - went on to open my eyes to the love He has for each of us. Just as I love all my children - as the individuals they are, with a relationship that is unique to each of us, and no matter where they are in the world, even if they were to deny me - God loves His children. Just as Kathleen can't take Amanda's place, and Amanda cannot take Kathleen's, and so on and so forth, neither can you or I take the other one's place in God's heart.
As it is with us, when our child is absent from our life, when the communication is not happening and there is a hole in our heart because of this - or so it feels, so it is with God. When our child returns to our heart, the hole is filled, and our joy returned... so is it with God and you.
Many years after Amanda was born, long after her youngest siblings were born, also - the youngest now being 16 - God encouraged me to record the meanings of the significant names in my life. In doing so, I looked upon the meaning of Amanda's name "Worthy to be loved" and God instantly impressed upon my heart, "That is the first message you will take to the world."
So this is why I dare to embarrass Amanda ;) - to inform you that God considers you worthy to be loved. That He loves you. He has a place in His heart that belongs solely to you. When you move, His heart follows after you. But He does not control you (just as I had no right to control Amanda's actions when she got up and crossed that room) so when you leave His heart, He must let you go, knowing He gave you free will and you are free to use it. But when you return to Him you fill that void in His heart and He rejoices greatly.
Although my way of 'creating' a child may not have been the most romantic, I sought a way to bring her into existence. I may not be the best mum ever - God knows I had a lot of issues and hang-ups and 'fleshly' reactions to many things when she was younger - but she was wanted long before she was born. She was loved even before she knew her name. And I would've moved heaven and earth to bring her into existence. So to is it with God. He wanted you. He wants you. He would move heaven and earth for you, and to be in a relationship with you.
Your life may not be as great as you'd like it to be. In fact, I'd go so far as to say your life is NOT the magical dream you always hoped it would be. You may even wonder why God bothered to place you here. You may hate him because of the relationships and experiences you have, or have had, with at least one of your parents. Your parents my have mistreated you or abandoned you. Whatever your history, the life He designed for you, was and is a good one. The love He holds for you was in His heart, just for you, long before you were born. You may deny God is, you may despise Him, but that does not change His love for you.
Today, God would declare to your heart that you are wanted, and He has deemed you worthy to be loved.