For the longest time now, I've struggled with the breaking of my heart. Bit by bit, day after day, disillusionment after disappointment, it's grown sadder and weaker and so very tired. I'd sit before God and say, "God, You once told me that people look for hope in my writing, but how can I offer hope when I don't have any...?" and I'd get no answer.
Three days ago, I arrived at a place where I was stretched beyond my limits. I'd had enough of life and so wanted out of it. I told God that I gave up, and no longer would I care about anything but my kids. With sadness in my heart, I said, "I stop here...No more trying."
That day, I concluded that there was no such thing as happiness. "Happiness is an illusion. A passing emotion not based on reality," I told myself. And I said to God, "Okay, I give up asking for anything and everything but this one thing: I am not asking for happiness, rather, I am asking solely for peace in every situation. That's all I ask of You now."
I want to state here that I was sad; I wasn't angry. The anger fizzled up long ago and all that was left was this deep sorrow that I could not shake. Suicide was and is not an option, but I didn't want to live. BUT, if I had to go on, then I needed peace. Not happiness. Not joy. Not the fulfillment of any hope. Just peace...
The following morning I awoke to find a prompting from the Holy Spirit sitting in my heart... 17 days earlier, I turned 50. I have over 1300 'friends' on Facebook, and I was lucky to have 12 wish me happy birthday. I rose from bed to take out the presents I'd picked days earlier, from a box I'd sat them in, waiting to be wrapped. Then went on to be shown throughout the day how little I am thought of - in many ways. It was a miserable day. Possibly the worse birthday ever. And every day after that (atop of the miserable days that came before it), the world, and my heart, grew darker and darker until the day I gave up. Then, this day came, bringing with it a prompting. It was a prompting to open the set of 'Scripture imprinted' mugs and the "Coffee Break with God" journal I'd picked for my birthday, that now only brought reminders of me not being loved as one would want to be loved.
The prompting that comes from the Holy Spirit is a grand feeling and I wanted to run after it, but reality had me saying, "You've got to be kidding!"
I had selected these items for my birthday because I love the idea of having a cuppa with God of a morning. When I saw that journal in the store, my heart leapt after it - and then I found a set of mugs. FOUR mugs, in a set; not just one. Four! I LOVE mugs! lol I have a thing for them- and for journals. So I was thrilled to be getting them, and knew I'd use them to spend time with God in the morning, using them as props to help set the atmosphere of an intimate time with God. I'm all about the atmosphere! But the misery I was left with after my birthday had me turning away from these 'props', and they remained in the box.
Now I know that sounds pathetic, but this is how sad my heart and life had grown...next stop 'TURN HEART TO OFF'...but the prompting:
I felt prompted to open the mugs, make a coffee and grab the journal and my Bible. I didn't want to because I had no hope left. But the prompting and a desire to obey it won out over the mourning of my flesh and the darkness in me that once held hope and faith. Carrying grief rather than hope, I said, "I don't know what to read, God," and I opened the Bible at random. It opened to a page that had nothing on it but "The New Testament", and I grew disheartened, thinking I would have to read the whole thing before He spoke to me again.
I turned the page, skipped Matthew 1:1-17 (The Genealogy of Jesus Christ), and read:
Three days ago, I arrived at a place where I was stretched beyond my limits. I'd had enough of life and so wanted out of it. I told God that I gave up, and no longer would I care about anything but my kids. With sadness in my heart, I said, "I stop here...No more trying."
That day, I concluded that there was no such thing as happiness. "Happiness is an illusion. A passing emotion not based on reality," I told myself. And I said to God, "Okay, I give up asking for anything and everything but this one thing: I am not asking for happiness, rather, I am asking solely for peace in every situation. That's all I ask of You now."
I want to state here that I was sad; I wasn't angry. The anger fizzled up long ago and all that was left was this deep sorrow that I could not shake. Suicide was and is not an option, but I didn't want to live. BUT, if I had to go on, then I needed peace. Not happiness. Not joy. Not the fulfillment of any hope. Just peace...
The following morning I awoke to find a prompting from the Holy Spirit sitting in my heart... 17 days earlier, I turned 50. I have over 1300 'friends' on Facebook, and I was lucky to have 12 wish me happy birthday. I rose from bed to take out the presents I'd picked days earlier, from a box I'd sat them in, waiting to be wrapped. Then went on to be shown throughout the day how little I am thought of - in many ways. It was a miserable day. Possibly the worse birthday ever. And every day after that (atop of the miserable days that came before it), the world, and my heart, grew darker and darker until the day I gave up. Then, this day came, bringing with it a prompting. It was a prompting to open the set of 'Scripture imprinted' mugs and the "Coffee Break with God" journal I'd picked for my birthday, that now only brought reminders of me not being loved as one would want to be loved.
The prompting that comes from the Holy Spirit is a grand feeling and I wanted to run after it, but reality had me saying, "You've got to be kidding!"
I had selected these items for my birthday because I love the idea of having a cuppa with God of a morning. When I saw that journal in the store, my heart leapt after it - and then I found a set of mugs. FOUR mugs, in a set; not just one. Four! I LOVE mugs! lol I have a thing for them- and for journals. So I was thrilled to be getting them, and knew I'd use them to spend time with God in the morning, using them as props to help set the atmosphere of an intimate time with God. I'm all about the atmosphere! But the misery I was left with after my birthday had me turning away from these 'props', and they remained in the box.
Now I know that sounds pathetic, but this is how sad my heart and life had grown...next stop 'TURN HEART TO OFF'...but the prompting:
I felt prompted to open the mugs, make a coffee and grab the journal and my Bible. I didn't want to because I had no hope left. But the prompting and a desire to obey it won out over the mourning of my flesh and the darkness in me that once held hope and faith. Carrying grief rather than hope, I said, "I don't know what to read, God," and I opened the Bible at random. It opened to a page that had nothing on it but "The New Testament", and I grew disheartened, thinking I would have to read the whole thing before He spoke to me again.
I turned the page, skipped Matthew 1:1-17 (The Genealogy of Jesus Christ), and read:
~ MATTHEW 1:18 ~
This is how the birth of Jesus the Messiah came about:
His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph,
but before they came together,
she was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit.
~*~
And before I could read the next verse, God spoke to me-- from His Spirit to mine; from His heart to mine.
I will share more of that in another blog, but, for now, I will just skip that part and much of the next part to take you to where He took me.
I recorded what God shared with me about that and the hope it and understanding stirred within me in the "Coffee Break with God" journal, and, after a time, and a break from this part of my morning, returned to pick up a book I'd brought from the Christian bookstore a few weeks earlier. The page I was on spoke of Hannah in the Old Testament, and how she hadn't been able to have children while her husband's other wife seemed to be forever pregnant - basically.
I was intrigued that this book was speaking to me of pregnancy, too, though this book was speaking about that in order to share thoughts about prayer. In this passage of "21 Most Effective Prayers of the Bible; by Dave Earley", it spoke about persistent prayer and even mentioned the word 'stubborn'. The writer went on to share about the widow in the NT and how she nagged the person with power "in this case a judge", until he gave her exactly what she asked for. He wrote "she was shameless and stubborn" and added that Jesus told this story to teach us that we should always pray and not give up. And I said to my hubby, "Do you remember me telling you the other day or week, that I feel like God's trying to get me to be stubborn and persistent in prayer?" and when he said that he did remember, I pointed this out to him and said, "I think He's trying to tell me that again."
And that's when my freedom came!
Basically, for the past 24 years, since publicly declaring I am a Christian, I've been trying to alter certain characteristics about myself. I've wanted 'this' gone, and for God to change 'that' about me, and so on. I've struggled and wrestled and damned myself for being a certain way, and for having traits I did not welcome or celebrate. Then here...at the end of my rope, when hope had gone and I no longer cared about faith or anything other than my children, God gets through to me and tells me that the traits I've been trying to get rid of, the ones I've been nagging Him about for years, while wondering, "GOD!!!!! I HAVE FOLLOWED YOU ALL THESE YEARS AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T CHANGED ME!!!! YOU CAN DO IT IN A HEARTBEAT!!!", He says, "There the bits of you I want." :(
All my life I've hated being me. I've seen my faults - day in and day out - and wanted out...of 'me'. I bowed to please others, wanted to change my personality to please others, and be all everyone wanted and needed me to be, until I don't know who I am anymore. But still, there were these traits in me I wouldn't and couldn't accept - and one of those traits, it turns out, was 'stubbornness'. Who knew! Well, my husband told me he knew, lol, but I didn't want that trait. :)
Long story short: I've been fighting against the flow of the Holy Spirit in my life for 24 years! I've been telling Him 'this part of me is no good; change me', and then nagging Him and growing angry with Him for not changing me. "Read your Bible; Renew your mind; Dot your i's and cross your t's or dot your t's and cross your eyes! whatever you have to do to be more acceptable in the Christian church, do it!" That's not what He was telling me. Yeah, read my Bible; yeah, my mind needed renewing - as did my heart, and yeah, I needed/need to be more like Christ, but if anyone was telling me to change my personality it wasn't God.
Read your Bible, know your God. Renew your mind, find peace. Become more like Christ, know what it is to love. But in all this, be you.
The parts of me that I couldn't get rid of, are the parts God wants. "These," He said, "are the parts I can use."
Today, I rise again, knowing He loves me - just the way I am. I knew it before, but I know it even more now; I believe it with more of my heart. I feel it, in the deepest more stubborn ;) part of me. And with it, comes peace. With accepting my 'bad' traits as gems in His hands - diamonds in the rough, if you will, that may very well be ugly traits when used by ego but can shine with the beauty He can create - I find peace.
All these years I've tried not to be me; begged God to change me... but it's 'me' He wants. It's 'me' He loves. It's 'me' He can work with. There is great peace in that...and in the peace, I find happiness. :)
I write this not to share 'me' with you, but for your sake. What part of you have you been trying to get rid of, and virtually nagged God over, begging Him to take it from you, but...nothing... Nothing changes. You stay the same.
In staying the same, in that part of your personality not being taken, you've found frustration and, possibly anger, at time, but mostly you've found sadness. You've become disheartened because you feel like God's forgotten you, that He's put you aside, or that you'll never be good enough for 'him' or 'her' or 'them' or 'the church' or 'whoever'. You're at the end of your struggle and all you're left with is disillusionment and no longer hold the willpower to get up and carry on. When you do lift your head, all you see is 'you' and that, above all else, makes you miserable. But it's 'you' God wants. It's 'you' God can use. In His hands, the parts of you that you or someone else believes are no good, are the parts He celebrates and through them, He can do wondrous things upon the earth.
This is a new day. A day that the Lord has made...just for 'you'. Take it. Embrace it. Celebrate it. Celebrate 'you', knowing those 'bad bits' of your character are quite possibly God's favourite bits. :)
It's time to live... Go to your 'removal list' and offer it to God, knowing He sees priceless jewels, not trash.
PS. Last night I asked God why it took 24 years for me to take hold of this truth, and He literally made me laugh when He said, "Because you're stubborn." :D ;)
I will share more of that in another blog, but, for now, I will just skip that part and much of the next part to take you to where He took me.
I recorded what God shared with me about that and the hope it and understanding stirred within me in the "Coffee Break with God" journal, and, after a time, and a break from this part of my morning, returned to pick up a book I'd brought from the Christian bookstore a few weeks earlier. The page I was on spoke of Hannah in the Old Testament, and how she hadn't been able to have children while her husband's other wife seemed to be forever pregnant - basically.
I was intrigued that this book was speaking to me of pregnancy, too, though this book was speaking about that in order to share thoughts about prayer. In this passage of "21 Most Effective Prayers of the Bible; by Dave Earley", it spoke about persistent prayer and even mentioned the word 'stubborn'. The writer went on to share about the widow in the NT and how she nagged the person with power "in this case a judge", until he gave her exactly what she asked for. He wrote "she was shameless and stubborn" and added that Jesus told this story to teach us that we should always pray and not give up. And I said to my hubby, "Do you remember me telling you the other day or week, that I feel like God's trying to get me to be stubborn and persistent in prayer?" and when he said that he did remember, I pointed this out to him and said, "I think He's trying to tell me that again."
And that's when my freedom came!
Basically, for the past 24 years, since publicly declaring I am a Christian, I've been trying to alter certain characteristics about myself. I've wanted 'this' gone, and for God to change 'that' about me, and so on. I've struggled and wrestled and damned myself for being a certain way, and for having traits I did not welcome or celebrate. Then here...at the end of my rope, when hope had gone and I no longer cared about faith or anything other than my children, God gets through to me and tells me that the traits I've been trying to get rid of, the ones I've been nagging Him about for years, while wondering, "GOD!!!!! I HAVE FOLLOWED YOU ALL THESE YEARS AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T CHANGED ME!!!! YOU CAN DO IT IN A HEARTBEAT!!!", He says, "There the bits of you I want." :(
All my life I've hated being me. I've seen my faults - day in and day out - and wanted out...of 'me'. I bowed to please others, wanted to change my personality to please others, and be all everyone wanted and needed me to be, until I don't know who I am anymore. But still, there were these traits in me I wouldn't and couldn't accept - and one of those traits, it turns out, was 'stubbornness'. Who knew! Well, my husband told me he knew, lol, but I didn't want that trait. :)
Long story short: I've been fighting against the flow of the Holy Spirit in my life for 24 years! I've been telling Him 'this part of me is no good; change me', and then nagging Him and growing angry with Him for not changing me. "Read your Bible; Renew your mind; Dot your i's and cross your t's or dot your t's and cross your eyes! whatever you have to do to be more acceptable in the Christian church, do it!" That's not what He was telling me. Yeah, read my Bible; yeah, my mind needed renewing - as did my heart, and yeah, I needed/need to be more like Christ, but if anyone was telling me to change my personality it wasn't God.
Read your Bible, know your God. Renew your mind, find peace. Become more like Christ, know what it is to love. But in all this, be you.
The parts of me that I couldn't get rid of, are the parts God wants. "These," He said, "are the parts I can use."
Today, I rise again, knowing He loves me - just the way I am. I knew it before, but I know it even more now; I believe it with more of my heart. I feel it, in the deepest more stubborn ;) part of me. And with it, comes peace. With accepting my 'bad' traits as gems in His hands - diamonds in the rough, if you will, that may very well be ugly traits when used by ego but can shine with the beauty He can create - I find peace.
All these years I've tried not to be me; begged God to change me... but it's 'me' He wants. It's 'me' He loves. It's 'me' He can work with. There is great peace in that...and in the peace, I find happiness. :)
I write this not to share 'me' with you, but for your sake. What part of you have you been trying to get rid of, and virtually nagged God over, begging Him to take it from you, but...nothing... Nothing changes. You stay the same.
In staying the same, in that part of your personality not being taken, you've found frustration and, possibly anger, at time, but mostly you've found sadness. You've become disheartened because you feel like God's forgotten you, that He's put you aside, or that you'll never be good enough for 'him' or 'her' or 'them' or 'the church' or 'whoever'. You're at the end of your struggle and all you're left with is disillusionment and no longer hold the willpower to get up and carry on. When you do lift your head, all you see is 'you' and that, above all else, makes you miserable. But it's 'you' God wants. It's 'you' God can use. In His hands, the parts of you that you or someone else believes are no good, are the parts He celebrates and through them, He can do wondrous things upon the earth.
This is a new day. A day that the Lord has made...just for 'you'. Take it. Embrace it. Celebrate it. Celebrate 'you', knowing those 'bad bits' of your character are quite possibly God's favourite bits. :)
It's time to live... Go to your 'removal list' and offer it to God, knowing He sees priceless jewels, not trash.
PS. Last night I asked God why it took 24 years for me to take hold of this truth, and He literally made me laugh when He said, "Because you're stubborn." :D ;)