When I became a Christian, I somehow managed to put on a hat of religiosity. It was as though I had been preprogrammed to believe that "this" is what a Christian is and isn't, "this" is how a Christian should and shouldn't behave, and I took on those roles. However, I soon learned that I wasn't capable of living up to what I assumed were the expectations of the church, and what I assumed were the expectations of God, and I grew to believe I was a bigger loser than I had already pictured myself as being.
In time, I also learned that, though I did not deem myself worthy of God, the church, man, religion, or anything else, I was quite comfortable with legalism, and happy to let it rule in my life. I felt safe in the boundaries of legalism. The freedom that came with grace scared me stiff! I mean, I now had so much room in which I could get it wrong!! At least legalism had rules that I could try to follow!!
I hated it when my husband questioned things at church - be it part of a sermon or a shared conversation. On the inside I would tremble when he questioned, and ached for him to be silent and just accept what was said. Such was the questions he asked that some (usually those being questioned) labelled him a Doubting Thomas. But he wasn't. He never doubted God or God's word, just some of man's interpretations. And it wasn't that he was calling the speaker a liar, he was simply trying to get a better grasp on truth. Me, I would've believed anything told me and submitted to it...
But then God...
To make a long story short, God introduced me to grace. I struggled with it. It scared me... "What if I don't do what 'the speaker' tells me and I blow it...?" I didn't understand that God was fine with me "blowing it..." I didn't understand grace...
In the linked audio messages below, Steve Green (pastor of Central Life Christian Church) shares a far better understanding of what grace is and isn't than any other pastor I've sat and listened to. In fact, Steve is the first pastor I have found peace with in many years.
You see, in order to help free me of legalism, and because I put up such a fight not to be free of it - and, it must be said, because God had to free me from being a man-pleaser, among other things - I was broken more than once in church. I know now that God had to allow that brokenness so I would stop placing man above Him, so I would come to understand what true love, grace and mercy was, but at the time I took in a lot of anger aimed at church leaders.
I have stood in churches, during worship, and wept not because I felt God's presence, but because my heart was breaking with the awareness that "This is not my Father's House..." Where was love? Where was grace? Where was mercy? Where was Jesus? Where was the freedom? Where was the Holy Spirit...? All the things I knew my Father held in His heart... All I could see and feel was man and his agenda, and the manipulation used to put forth their version of the truth and not God's. I'm am so NOT saying all churches I've been to were like that; nor am I saying I still see that in other churches - I'm simply saying that was my experience, once... And soon, because of such experiences, my heart turned away from church. I would go, but, bit by bit, I slipped away... Steve was the first pastor in many years that my heart dared to open up to again, when, quite suddenly, it responded with, "I hear my Father's heart..."
I am not here to promote Steve - and I know the man well enough to know that he would not like me to do so... If anyone really knows me and all I've been through in church over the past 21 years, really knows who I am and where I've come from and where I am now, they would know that I do not promote "man." In fact, I have a saying which my heart took hold of years ago, directed to humans and our egos: "Show me you can walk on water; then I might be impressed..." Man's ego does not impress me. In fact, it repels me. My own included. :)
God has freed me from being a man-pleaser. I must confess that the old insecurities come back to haunt me at time, where I suffer feelings of inadequacy and inferiority (which God is chipping away, bit by bit) but I don't place any man or woman on a pedestal anymore. We've all got dirty feet. We all get it wrong sooner or later. We all let one another down. We're all just human... That's not to say I don't see great qualities in people, nor does it say I don't encourage or love them, it just means I don't idolise anyone - anymore...
The reason I post messages from Steve (and quite possibly other people in the future) is not to promote man, but to pass on truth that has not only enabled me to embrace Christ's church again - and the beautiful souls that are found there - but also reflects the love and grace of God's heart.
My life is about God, not man. Not even my love for my husband - whom I think is the greatest male I have ever known, who walks in grace, love and mercy; who has a questioning spirit that I now LOVE ;) - comes close to my love for God... My love for God is the result of Him first loving me, and, really, it's the love He gives, and the heart He is, that I long to share with, and reflect to others.
I adore God...
Since asking God for my heart back several weeks ago, I've found a new measure of intimacy with, and love for, Him. I simply adore Him... I write and share not to promote me or anyone other than God. He has proven His love for me over and over, covering me with it, embracing me with His grace, rescuing me from heartache and foolish choices with His mercy, and making Himself known to me in a way that no one else could ever understand unless they were in a relationship with Him. So when I share links and messages such as the ones I plan to share here, it's not because I wish to raise anyone up as being bigger and better than anyone else, but to share the magnificence of our God. I hope that when you close anything I post, be it my words spoken or someone else's, that you walk away not with a greater awareness of "man" but of God and how dearly He loves you...
I also hope you'll take the time to listen to the message linked below. Part one was great! Part two (which should be posted in a day or two) had me all but leaping out of my church with a mighty loud, "AMEN!!!" I pray it has you rejoicing, as well. :)
1. Living in the Grace of God ~ Part I ~ Be found in Christ...
Grace is the word offered here... Grace is what the Father offers to all of us - no matter who you are; no matter what you have or haven't done. I pray, with all that I am, that you will find a greater awareness of God's love, of the freedom He offers, and your own worth, in the grace poured out for all of us through Jesus Christ...
Colossians 2:11-15
New King James Version (NKJV)
Not Legalism but Christ
11 In Him you were also circumcised with the circumcision made without hands,
by putting off the body of the sins of the flesh, by the circumcision of Christ,
12 buried with Him in baptism,
in which you also were raised with Him through faith in the working of God,
who raised Him from the dead.
13 And you, being dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh,
He has made alive together with Him, having forgiven you all trespasses,
14 having wiped out the handwriting of requirements that was against us,
which was contrary to us.
And He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross.
15 Having disarmed principalities and powers,
He made a public spectacle of them,
triumphing over them in it.
New King James Version (NKJV)
Not Legalism but Christ
11 In Him you were also circumcised with the circumcision made without hands,
by putting off the body of the sins of the flesh, by the circumcision of Christ,
12 buried with Him in baptism,
in which you also were raised with Him through faith in the working of God,
who raised Him from the dead.
13 And you, being dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh,
He has made alive together with Him, having forgiven you all trespasses,
14 having wiped out the handwriting of requirements that was against us,
which was contrary to us.
And He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross.
15 Having disarmed principalities and powers,
He made a public spectacle of them,
triumphing over them in it.