Oddly enough, I don't wrestle to hold on to it, as much as I do to accept it. In fact, for some reason during the course of my life I've learned to reject it. Perhaps it was because whenever I tried to stand while growing up, someone was always there to knock me back down, or to think me vain if anything good came of something I did. For me, confidence became a doorway through which ridicule and rejection (my two greatest childhood fears) came to abuse me.
Alas, whatever the cause, at the moment, it doesn't matter. There's no point in me rehashing what once was and can't be changed. All that needs to be focused on now is that which speaks to my heart, via my thoughts, and how I can use that to benefit the person I am, and the life I have, now. To grow, I must look forward, using the past as the stepping stones Jesus transforms them into. So...
In seeking to enable me to embrace confidence, God once placed it on my heart to fake confidence, and, in faking it, it would grow on me. So, when you see me, stepping out, reaching out, laughing, smiling or whatever, oft-times it's because I'm faking confidence in order to function a little better, and a little bolder, in society.
But God has moved me on from that revelation, prompting and leading me along the path of confidence, and bringing me - just this morning - to a thought that drives me to embrace confidence more readily. And that is: Confidence releases ability; a lack of confidence inhibits it.
As I writer, I've often lost confidence in my ability over the years, so much so I've often tossed out what I've written, believing it no good. I have discarded far more writings than I have ever shared on any site or anywhere. But I'm at a stage in my life where I want to be a published writer more than ever, so, the challenge starts again: The wrestle with confidence is on!
However, it's a new game. Once I wrestled in order to resist confidence, fearing it was a 'dirty word'... but now I wrestle to embrace it, knowing that MY life will never be what I desire it to be while I disallow confidence to help direct it.
I need confidence to write. I need it to take photos. I need it to face the world.
Confidence is not a dirty word. It is not born of vanity. It is grounded in ability... and without it, ability remains buried, and the dream unachievable.