Since hearing this, and since greater healing and freedom has come to my soul, I've found my eyes opening a bit more, too. I see more clearly those who tried to dominate me over the years (and often succeeded), and those who talked down to me, looked down their noses at me, and made me feel like something beneath their feet. I remember how I wanted to please them, thinking (subconsciously, God would point out when I was ready to listen to Him and accept healing in this area), "If only I could make them happy; then they'll love me..." and as I'm thinking about it now, seeing the ones who treated me this way (that were close to me in life), I find great anger surfacing. And this grieves me.
I had forgiven them. I'd gotten over it. I'd moved on... And, yet, here comes that anger again and I just want to grab them with both hands and, after shaking the nonsense out of them, drop them on their backside - as I step over them and turn my back on them! But... "God! I thought I'd forgiven them. Why is this surfacing in me?"
I was talking about this with my 18-year-old this morning, figuring that, because I'm stronger now, in character and heart, maybe there's a new depth of anger that needs to be dealt with. I've made a habit of bottling many things over the years, and I guess some bottles held more than I realised...and I reckon God wants to clean that out of my heart, also. I'm open to that. I welcome Him in. I don't want the anger. I don't want to hold anything against anyone - despite how my flesh wants to react at this very moment, every single time 'their' image and treatment of me rises before my mind's eye!
God once placed on my heart, "Donna, everyone is allowed to react however they want, but you bring your every emotion to me..." I tried it for a while, but soon returned to whine at the foot of His throne with, "Go-o-o-o-o-d! It's not working!" To which He replied, "Bring your every emotion to me before you own it." That worked better....even though, on several occasions, I've been happy to deal with my emotions as they arose - and then repented for them. ;) This time... I'm finding it difficult to lay my emotions and reactions at God's feet. Rather, my flesh relishes the anger. It wants revenge. It wants vengeance. It wants to look 'them' in the eye and declare all the hateful things you could think of.
But I don't want a heart like that. I don't want to be like that.
So I soon find myself at the foot of God's throne, mourning; wondering:
Is this what it is to be born... again?
to experience birth as though entering a new world
feeling the pain
feeling the strain
reaching for pride
- through these tears I cry...
Is this what it is to give birth... spiritually?
to experience labour as though producing new life
to suffer pain
to suffer strain
the hurting inside
the loss of one's pride
- longing for the joy that awaits on the other side...?
Is this what it is, Lord, to die to self
as You produce in me new life
a new heart
a greater ability to love
and be loved
to enable me to be
dressed in vulnerability
- a heart renewed - more like You - knowing true love...?
And the tears slow... and the memories arise... and the anger rages... and the desire to seek revenge awakens... and the desire arises to strike out at the next person to tread on my toe, to look at me sideways, to dare to give me their opinion in a way that belittles me... then I see I want to strike out at someone I don't know, striking them with a hatred that belongs to someone of the past, and I know they don't deserve it... and then the tears rise and my heart softens as I realise, "I deserve the cross, not Jesus; I deserve God's hatred... and yet He still loves me; Jesus forgave me; the Holy Spirit holds me even now..." and I hate that I hate. It grieves me to be angry. But I find it so very difficult to love 'them'...even though I have loved them since days of old, prior to this new awakening.
And so I cry...
Father, forgive me
though I know not why I do what I do;
I don't want to hate them
I want to love like You...
Father, come and hold me,
and raise me up to where You are,
so I may love as You do
the world You love with all Your heart.
Father, forgive me... make me more like You.
Thinking about it, I thought, 'Shouldn't the response be: "...not from your anger?"' And then it came to me, "No. Anger is often the result of a heart that is disillusioned, disappointed, rejected and/or broken. The anger covers the pain..." And then I was showed my heart: The anger is covering the pain...
So, with tears, I pray...
Hold me, God...
wipe my tears away
and help love again