But I just wanted to share my Facebook status from yesterday - the 17th of August 2014 - that I added to a shared picture that said, "God can turn your darkest hour into your brightest hour."
That happened to me this morning.
I've been pushed to the edge of...everything. I won't go into details - I don't like details when it involves others - but I arrived at a place this morning, after being 'pushed' one last time, where, upon arriving at church, I had had enough and was closing down. I was listening to what was being said during worship and, in my heart and head, replying, "Nope! I'm not open to healing, to blessing, to anything you have to offer, God. THIS ONE (involving someone else) has pushed me too far. Enough's enough..." Then, lo and behold, standing there, during worship, with my heart hardening at a rapid pace and me having no apologies for it, Ps Suzanne Newman shares a Scripture and thought and as I'm trying not to respond to it my heart had a mind of its own and God's Word got through. Jesus got through. The truth set me free... When Suzi spoke of forgiving 'self', everything changed. The light went on. The darkness lifted.
In what felt like a 'click of God's fingers', not only did the darkness lift, not only did the light go on, not only did I realise it was ME I had to forgive, I suddenly knew that I knew that I totally knew that I no longer have to apologise for being me.
All my life I've felt the need to apologise for being me. I've lived down to people's expectations, I've walked away from dreams, hopes and parts of me in order to please others. But no more. No more apologies. No more being held back, held down, and so on.
But the thing is, as God showed me this morning, I'm not forgiving myself for being a loser, rather, I'm forgiving myself for becoming a loser so others feel comfortable around me.
Does that make sense?
I became less so they could feel good about themselves...before they pushed me away, trod on me, or stabbed me in the back.
So the 'no more apologies' God has led me to, refers to 'no more apologising for being capable, for being strong, for being able...'
Sometimes we know when our strengths or abilities make others feel insecure, and, in their insecurity they can become displeased with us. In the past, when this has happened, I've bowed to it, wanting to please 'man'. But no more. It's time to be me...no more apologies.
THANK YOU, GOD!!! XXXXX