Life is a Roller Coaster Ride
I became a fearful, insecure child, who was easily intimidated by anything and everything. To this day, 40+ years on, I still struggle with walking anywhere on my own.
When I was about 11, I decided that, when I grew up, I would have a daughter and give her the love I felt I never found. Amanda was, and is, and will always be known as my first dream come true. She was born 2 1/2 weeks prior to my 19th Birthday. I was so elated to have this child. She brought/brings so much joy into my life.
When Amanda was a toddler, and I a [deliberate] single parent (which I became three months after her birth), I was very happy and content. At this stage of my life, I can clearly recall my mum declaring that I was an optimist. But life never stays the same, does it. Seasons come and go. Moods swing. Emotions rise and fall. And, after a time, feeling somewhat alone and lonely, I started to look for love again.
At the age of 23, I thought I had found it. Together, and unmarried, we decided to have a child. A few [pregnant] months later, the relationship ended, I had an abortion, and, as God would tell me years later - during a season of healing, "When they took Mark out of you, (see my blog A is for Abortion) they took the fight out of you, and death came in..." All optimism went with it. My heart soon hardened with much anger, hatred and resentment followed.
I turned to drinking when I could, and my new attitude built a wall so hard and high around my heart that it even kept Amanda out.
Time went by, my relationship with Amanda suffered. I hated the world. I drank and went out to nightclubs when I could, finding 'love' in all the wrong arms. And I met a guy (in a club) who would one day walk me to the front of the church, in order for me to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour... A guy I soon told (at that time) where he could shove his Bible.
Long story short, more time went by, with the anger festering within, and I upped and moved Amanda and myself to the other side of Australia...Several months later, after gathering more reasons to be angry with the world, we returned 'home' and I took up with an old friend whom I said I would never get physically involved with. A few months later, that was ending, too... By this stage I was so depressed, fed up, feeling hopeless, broken and lost, that suicide was the most enticing option before me.
However, as I have said before, suicide was out because I didn't trust anyone to love Amanda as I did, and I didn't have the heart to take her with me...
My last option was God.
From the moment I cried out to Jesus, seeking His help, seeking forgiveness from God, and to have God forgive those who had hurt me and wipe the slate clean in order to help me start again, God set His rescue plan into action, and, soon, peace, joy, hope and love was mine. He renewed my heart, healed me from many things attached to the past, and, in less than a year, I married Tim (whom I had met in a church fellowship group), and together (with his two daughters, and my daughter coming with us) we went on to share 6 children - the latter three being born within three years of getting married.
Then more struggles came as we worked to take two broken families and transform them into one... And that along with bouts of post-natal depression, some baggage leftover from the past, several damaged hearts, and all other emotions, frustrations and concerns that life threw at us at the time.
But beyond the 'normal' struggles of such a family, when I invited Jesus into my life, as Lord and Saviour, and was then reconnected to God, and their love, I was instantly filled with faith, and I instantly recognised my Heavenly Father's voice. However, the elation and confidence and courage I found in that soon dwindled away, especially when I took what I believed God had revealed to me and [Christian] "man" basically cast it aside.
I can sit here and tell you who did what over the years, and how that tripped, altered and quashed my faith, and I can give many scenarios of the ups and downs I have been through since becoming a Christian 21+ years ago, but, that fact is, all of those things would not have swayed my faith or dreams, visions and passions, and so on, had my character, heart and confidence not been built on the foundation that clearly, and repeatedly, stated that I am "Not good enough."
24 “Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: 25 and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.
26 “But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: 27 and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell. And great was its fall.”
This time around, I know God is leading me to not just go back to the time I had my first heartbreak in order to have that break fixed a little more, but to have my faith restored in Him and to be free in my heart and in His love, as I was prior to 'the falls'. This time He wants me to get off the roller coaster ride and build my faith, confidence, hopes, heart, etc, on Him. And in that I will find greater peace, confidence, hope, love, faith, passion and freedom, and be able to rise up and do all He calls me to do, and be all I was meant to be.
Jesus came to restore us to the Father. In being restored, God wants nothing to come between Him and I - not sin, not the world, not religion, not insecurity, not 'man', fear or brokenness. God wants me free of the consequences brought on by 'the fall' even more than I do. He wants me free - once and for all. He wants me at peace in all circumstances; trusting Him; trusting my life, heart and children to Him, even. He wants us (Him and I) to be as one in heart - totally in love... And He wants the same for, and with, you, too. This I do not doubt. :)
(To be continued...)