What do you want...?
Note: I can't imagine I am truly ME without being a wife and mum and so on. I mean, I do desire these things. Ever since I was a little girl my greatest desire was to be a mum. That would always be the first thing I would pick in this life: To be a mum... However, there is more to all of us than just 'mum', or 'wife' or friend and so on.
I'm at a place where my writing has stopped, where photography is not a high point in my life, and where I have little to do with my hands and cannot find where to go with my life from here; from the upcoming empty nest; from being home all the time, and so on. I could just 'do this' because 'they' expect it or desire me to. I could just continue to settle for 'whatever' in order to appease 'whoever'. But I know in my heart that that would only serve to bury me deeper in the fading shadows of my dreams, desires, abilities, and the world around me. And I just know that I know that I know God does not call me to do that. I know He's calling me to rise up and live.
I just had a thought: Think about it... As a parent, you are wanted for 'this' purpose. As a partner, you're expected to give or be 'this'. As a worker, the agenda is set and you need to give 'this' part of yourself. And so on and so forth in many areas of your life... But who are you and what do you want when no one is asking anything from you...?
Hmm... I guess that's the first question to meditate upon... "What do you want when no one is asking anything from you...?"
I reckon that is also a call to dare to listen to the deeper cries of your heart... When you are alone next, and not working, not needing to do or give, what do you want...?
We may have fallen into the habit of replying, "Well, I want such and such but I first have to do 'this' and give 'that' and take 'them' there..." and so on. But this time, tell yourself everything else can wait, and befriend your own heart. Don't judge yourself. Don't try to analyse why you do or don't want something. Just be honest with yourself. No one else needs to know. And somewhere in the beat of your own heart, I just know that you will find a new breath - you will breathe a little easier, you will find a little more peace, you may even find a tear or two dozen, :) and you will find, I believe, a friend (you) who will stop discarding you, your needs, your feelings, your dreams, and your heart.
Ah, I just realised (with a tear) through this you may very well see what God is trying to show you: You matter...
Be back later... :)
Love and respect,